It’s the way you make me feel

That was a poppy song I forgot from what the name of the band is. Those times when I still actively listened to English stations, I’m just too lazy to tune in these days.

These days...I really wanna give my gals a hug. Fyn, Von and Irene especially. I know they care a lot, so much that I feel useless for bothering them with what seems such a useless and stupid problem.
I just wanna say that my life is made wonderful, cos’ of you people.

The way you make me feel…I thought that’s so vital between 2 souls.
It is the feel that makes me decide should I love you or not. It is the feel that you and I can’t help and it is the feel that is seem predestined.

I talked a lil to that guy again (for work). I dunno if I was gushing a lil because of his good looks (He is just so shy, just so like the Ronald I know initially.) or I thought I was talking to Ronald ? Maybe both, I won’t be surprised. Must I be blamed if I look upon that guy for someone else? All along, I was wishing so badly for just another chance to speak to ‘him’, befriend ‘him’ and it is almost like I am just given a chance to make up what I had lost.
I was a lil’ “wrecked” when I heard Hender had thoughts to place him out for temp assignments (as long as his internship here) cos’ he looks so bored and nothing to do here.
I wanted to laugh cynically. What a joke, what a joke! Why is it like this? But putting that emotion aside, I was kinda relieved though. You know, that tension of opposite feel?

So maybe it is not just all about Ronald. (or that intern. I dun wanna name him. He shouldn’t be name here. He is not the direct party involved and naming him is just so unfair..to him.) It is about me.

I always tell Jason…I love him because the way he loves me. That is the reason that I gave him why I love him? That is the sickest reason for anyone to hear but I believe I hadn’t quite denied that in the first place.

Love to me is NOT a tool, contrary to some cynics’ beliefs. I am not using Jason’s love for me as a tool for anything at all. For coming to 4 years, I believed I have given too. (Even though compared to Jason’s, mine is just perhaps a half filled cuppa.)

These days, there are so many times I wish to just go on trying. Ronald is NOT here afterall and that intern can NEVER be Ronald. He is not here today and today why not I love Jason?
Is that right?
That would perhaps save some troubles and pain right now but is that right?

That was what I did all along? And I know this is not the way to go on anymore. I can try for another 4 years and what happened now may still take place eventually. Would I then realized that I still don’t love him enough and still break his heart again?
And if I realized, Jason gave me a chance to try doing that night this and this is what happened still.

Is it just the problem of discontentment or is it the problem with the love you have? Love, perhaps has no wrong and made no mistake. The mistake made was by the choice and the faith you have.

My faith for my choice of love was too strong as contrast to the faith for choosing to be in a relationship with Jason, believing love can be built up.
Maybe I am not in the stage/age to realize that love can be accumulative and is a habit yet.

My love was always ignited by a crush, a series of events that seem so heart tugging, making you believing that you guys were meant to be like those plots you seem and read so many times, and my feelings for those stayed the strongest, the longest.

I don’t want to put anymore explanations in this theory. Let’s just end it with ..what’s that word..something like karma, fate or whatever. If you realized, some people always end up with the wrong loves, some always hurt themselves, some always made use of others, some trapped in loneliness and some, simply bliss.
Maybe I belong to those types that will not be blessed to be with the ones that I fell hard for.

You can tell me if I already know this, why not be with the ones that love me? And in this case, Jason. I can tell you, these nights, so many times…I just want to pretend nothing happened. I wanna slipped back to the comfort of his love. I wanna to have someone to love me and Jason is that person for these 46 months.

As much as I wanted to do all that, I ask myself…
Can you then promise not to let Ronald or infact anyone else affect this decision? What happened if you found someone that caught your heart again?(And not ended up with?) If you can’t be so sure, why don’t you let Jason find someone new? Someone that deserves him and you know you don’t.

I can’t say I will be happier for sure. Jason’s wish is for me to be happy and he will do anything (even letting me go) for me to be happy.
I can’t say I can give him anything now or maybe in the future?

I thought a lot about this.
To love him is for him to be happy. And for him to be happy is my happiness and stop hurting him. It goes one round after another.

If I choose…You know it won’t be right.
You know that by giving me another chance might bring another ‘today’ again.
I may not be able to bring myself to hurt you more.

Jason…Can you choose?

If you have chosen to go on, would you be able to take another blow?
If you have chosen to give up, would you be happy…for me?

I hate to leave you but I dunno already if it is you or your love that I can’t leave.

I am sorry for the way I made you feel..now.

I can't promise you anything.

I wanted to believe that you are the one I love.
I wanted to continue sleeping in the protected world you gave.
I wanted it to be you and me only, for good.

I wanted to be able to laugh at myself one day for my past foolishness.
I wanted to be able to thank my lucky stars one day to find you.
I wanted to be able to love you wholeheartedly, like you do.

I can't promise you anything.

The more I knew that you love me, the less I wanna go on cheating you.

It's hard holding you, loving you, losing you.

It's sad to be true and to be fooled by you.

I don't know.

I won't know.

Should I stay or should I go?

-Dreamz FM

I don't want to be in your arms and always keep one part of me locked.
I always thought I can lock it and maybe never get reminded of.

Love is a decision.

Trust me, I wanted to hold on. I wanted us to go on. That is how vulnerable I am. That is how much I care.

I dunno what is my feelings for you. Sorry, gulit and/or love?

You simply let it go on or end it.

I ask again, what's the complication? What's simple and what's difficult?
Because I care too, I wanted to give you my all too.

Day in and day out, I am still gonna face God's reminder of 'him', for another 15 weeks.

This is a test.

I had always fear, what if I bump onto him one day? Would I go crazy or would I remain calm?

My decision wasn't firm enough and I hurt enough along the way.

I am sorry and sorry suddenly is such a useless word.

I have to make a decision and decision is not mine alone.
I toss the ball right back to your court. One day, you decide for me.

I love you and Thank you for being so kind to me,ever.

We have always read love is not possession and love is when you see him/her happy, you would be too. Love is too forgiveness and forebearness. Love is gracious and it's kind.

I want you to be happy too. If I am bad news, please look for your own happiness.

Stripping Naked

I woke up with fairly swollen eyes this morning and my heart still hurts.The pain carrys on not for myself but for Jason too.

I've always been a guardian of my own world, my own memories. I don't share them cos' I dunno how to. Never did I imagined that guarded feelings could be a danger for now. So many were hurt because of me.

I'm coming clean..for once. I am gonna split the whole story and how it evolved to now. It is never about anyone else but a result of myself. For those who never understand the whole story, here is how it begins.

I am never the sort that would proactively pursue the one I like. Yet those whom I really like, the feelings are strongly more than just a crush. You can get over a crush with time and laugh at yourself. But what do you call those when you think of them and still remains a bitter feel in your heart?I dunno, you tell me.

I met Ronald around 5 years plus back, in the 7-Eleven down my house. His name is Ronald and that's all I know. I can't tell you enough the many sweet and painful feels that I felt for him for that short period of 1 year plus. (Or was it 2?)
Ronald was always giving me hopes and not. You can tell me eventually that Ronald doesn't like me but I do.
I can't give you the reason why I like him so much.

I wasn't without pursuers during that period, despite I wasn't any drop dead gorgeous. (haha..) And they eventually know that they don't stand a chance because I still chose Ronald in the end.(Even Ronald doesnt likes me..even if there is no progress between us)I guess I did hurt those guys, and to some, I hurted them alot. You can see from their eyes and I chose not to care too much cos' we (me and those guys)were never together in the first place.
I was sorry but my feelings stood strong, and those were for that 7-Eleven guy.

When I met Jason, Ronald was gone. Gone for a long time. I dunno what was the reason that I decided to give Jason a go then. Do I even like him or I just wanna have a boyfriend for good? There are so many doubts even till now but we are already together close to 4 years.

4 years, you thought, isn't that enough for me to forget Ronald? Truth is that Ronald gradually fades in my memories but I never forgot him. I can buried the memories and feelings I had for Ronald but I won't erased them. I dunno how could you erased a piece of memory?Yes, there was never a relationship between me and Ronald to begin with...but I have feelings. Strong feelings, you might add.

It hasn't been easy for Jason especially all these years. "You & I both" put in so much during these 4 years. I am sorry for the times I've not been tender & sensitive. I am sorry for the times I still hurt you so much through my tantrums and what you had called it, undesirable ethics.
And I am sorry that I still realised that I love myself more than you.

I remember that night.
During the initial part, things had been especially difficult for Jason.I had wanted so many times to give up cos' I can't forget Ronald. The shadow of that 7-Eleven guy was hanging strong in my heart & mind and it's so painfully unforgivable!
That night at Fortcanning park, I cried so badly infront of Jason. That was the first time that I cried infront of Jason, infront of anyone. I told him so much of Ronald and I don't want to be unfair to Jason. I would rather he stop then. Why choose someone that can't give him her all?
Naturally speaking, he didn't. Not that night.
I wasn't the only one crying that night. He was too. But then I wasn't too affected by his tears, I just felt better after crying all out.

So 1st year, 2nd year, 3rd year and soon coming 4th year of our relationship. Jason & I always go by monthly. Monthly seems to mark the time more precisely, monthly seems to extend the time we had.

I thought I could just con't missing Ronald, a lil each day.Maybe a lil more on somedays, that's all. I am just missing the feelings I had for him.I am just missing the memories I had. All I see now is his shadow in there, his face is slowly an unclear image.

Funny how Someone up there would love to put me to test and play me out.
Have you ever have a crush? You know the poison of it? You taste it before? It's like you shouldn't play with fire but you are already held captivated by it? You wanna pull yourself out but it hurts so much. It feels less badly if you sink in it but again, that's the graveyard point.
And when it's finally all gone, all you left is the black & white..slowly licking your wounds dry.

I like to believe that I'm a kind person in love. Be it those who like me, those whom I like and the one with me. I always pray so hard each time I miss them, that they will be well taken care of. And perhaps you can imagined, for Ronald, the nights I stood outside staring at the stars, praying for his health, joy and happiness in life are countless. Countless.
One night I stopped doing that is not because I've gotten over, it is because I should stop. If there's anyone else I should pray for, it should be Jason. Not Ronald anymore.

Fuck that I know that Ronald may not be as nice as I thought to be. Maybe he is the real jerk through and thorough and I didn't know? But please don't say that...That is not the Ronald I've seen. And no point it is to argue about someone we will never know in real life, perhaps.

This week, Monday morning, I almost bit my tongue first thing in the morning at 9am.
Infront stood a young,good looking guy reporting for his internship. It wasn't his whole good looks that shocked me. It was how much he looks like Ronald.
To be fair,he isn't exactly a replica. But somehow here and there, on and off, I see not him but Ronald.
Is it his eyes, his gesture, his voice or what...that is so Ronald.

Please understand the complications of feelings here.
I can't describe enough.It has nothing to do with that poor intern.But I can't understand how on earth does 2 different persons bear so much resemblance? It's almost like those stupid soppy drama and yet it is happening.

The blurrred face, the buried memories suddenly resurfaced. These few nights, I was suddenly wishing so badly that Ronald would appear. I wanted to see him so badly. I realised how much that I've miss him, all along. Even if seeing him doesn't help a thing now, I just wanna see him.

I know this is wrong. All so wrong. All so fucking wrong and it is not gonna be right for maybe the next 15 weeks.
In the past I wanted a chance so badly to see Ronald, to be his friend, to hear him again, to see his smile again. And now someone looking so close, was presented infront of me. You know what am I scared of? Scare that 'he' would be gone again.15 weeks is all I've got to see someone that I long so much for.

I know this is crazy. All so crazy. All so fucking crazy! He isn't Ronald and Ronald is not here. I have no heart racing whenever I talk to this guy and this I know is so different from Ronald.
All insanity gets in and what have I got left?

A piece of longing, a piece of memory, a piece of love, a piece of pain.

And there is still Jason. Oh, I wish there is NOT another party involved now. But I was already involved with Jason for a long long time. Time after Ronald, time after an old song.

That night at Fortcanning, when Jason knew that there will always be a Ronald in my heart, he told me this.
He told me that even if he's not the eventual one for me...he will be glad just to lead me to the one,even if its Ronald and just let him hold my hands...till i found the one for me.

Yesterday was like that night. I dare not look at him. I dare not speak. Inside, I was waiting for him to tell me, to ask me.
I knew he read.But he was pretending initially that this is not what that caused the silence.I knew he doesnt want to face it.
Given if it was me, I wouldnt want too. It is damn selfish of that gal, I would have said myself.

We stood outside my house, finally crying. Crying for so long and now it still didn't stop.
I can't put to words the pain when I see him cry. The pain is so much that I thought my heart is ripping apart and I couldn't breathe.
A part of me is finally so afraid that he doesn't want me anymore. A part of me is finally so afraid that he choose to let go NOT because that he couldn't take it anymore but for me.
The last thing I want him to do anymore is for me. If there is anything else I want for him, I want him to love himself better than for me.

I thought I have given alot in this period. Friends wondered how do I stand the fact that he always seem so busy doing one thing or another, how he always had to put his commitment on top of me sometimes.I know this is not true. I am only good at doing the things that a girlfriend did.

I am not deviod of feelings. I understand and feel the love that Jason gave all along. His importance grew in me too. My room..almost filled with the stuff he gave and what have I give in return?
I always question myself. Do I really love him or am I just loving him as a girlfriend?
What is love then? Is there ever a balance to it? Do you ever find a relationship that equates to 50-50?Are you a born giver or taker? Why am I like that?

I often wondered. What is missing between me & Jason? What is stopping me from giving him my whole heart? Is Ronald really the reason?Am I going to continue to love Jason in this form only?

It has been this long. If Jason had chose to stop loving me, stop giving me chances and start to love himself better, I might feel better and worse. Worse is that I lost someone to my foolishness, my stupidity and better is when he finds a love more deserving. He deserves better than me.

Yesterday.I wanted to hold him so tight. I wanted to tell him that I am so sorry and so stupid. I wanted to tell him that he matters so much to me and I am so foolish. I wanted to tell him not to let me go. I wanted to wipe his tears. I wanted him to stay forever with me.
But I held back.
What if I can't promise him anything?What if I can't control myself better? What if I hurt him again?

You might have asked, why am I complicating things? You know, that Ronald guy wasn't even your ex or not even somone you were close to be together with? Why are you hurting yourself and those who love you?

..Sigh. IF I can come up with an answer. If I can tell you why. I would have been able to let go of Ronald already. I would have been able to love Jason like I should.
If everything's written in stars, this is a real bad plot and a sickening joke.

"You know me always..why do you choose to suffer on top of me?You could just letit end and let me be the jerk. I feel so sad,Jason. I dont wanna see your tears, it pains me so much that I can't breathe.Yet I cant give you anything, anyting at all these 4 years.I dunno what to do. I dunno why is it happening again and again..I had preapred you to slap me anytime but can you be a lil less nicer to me?I love you,Jason...but I cant forget something I left in the past.I cant give you my all.I'm sorryand I just cant help you feel better.If you...can't take the painanymore,please love yourself."

"I've put so much into this...how do Iend it?I've never ever thought about slapping you.I just wanna nourish you back to happiness always..all these times I've never been a good boyfriend...my soccer, my work, army has robbed youof so many chances to be with me, that's why I've done whatever I've done for you all the while...to make it up to you. If you remember..it pains me to see you struggling like that too..I'll let the ball in your counrt. Remember long time ago what I said at Fortcanning? If you defnitely will be happy, tell me, I'll let you do..you decide."

Typing so much, there are so many stops in between that I wanted to burst out wailing. I am crying so much that I feel so dehydrated and the heat trapped in my forehead is so painful.

Do you now understand the wrongs I've done, the pain and gulit that I've felt?

"Love is a decision. You choose to let it go or simply love on. Sometimes we suffer cos we hope for love to be the way we want it..But it usually wont happen that way."

I am sorry,Jason.For hurting you one time, for hurting you so many times.
If I choose, I will definitely choose you over Ronald anytime. If I choose, I will choose to be with your forever. If I realised, it is you that I love, not Ronald. If I realised, you are far more important to me right now than Ronald.

But Ronald had come such a long way back from me. Ronald, no doubt, doesnt deserve that but still already a part of me. Just that small grey part.
Maybe I wasnt mature enough to let go yet.

I dunno what to do and say now.
We have not end, have we?
Would I take 15 weeks to say goodbye to him or you?

I wish you to hold my hands, I wish you not.
I wish you to hold me tight, I wish you not.

Why am I like this?

You've read so far. That is the last of me.I can perhaps bring myself to tell you every inner of me, the way I feel, my family and all. But this is the last for now. My last guard of myself.

Can you forgive me?

If you remember watching that Japanese drama - Beach Boys, you would have remember this soundtrack.

Song Name:
Sing a Love Song for Me
Artiste(s):
Yamaguchi Yuko
Drama Title:
Beach boysビーチボーイズ

Every time I must say goodbye to you

I feel so down and sigh

Every night all I do is think of you

You stole my heart away

Didn't know how true love means to me until now

Didn't know why lovers cry

Couldn't wait to see your smiling face anymore

Every time you must face the restless world

Do you remember me

And whenever you need a gentle word

Why don't you call me up

I'm the one for you when things get rough times are hard

Don't you know just what I mean

Couldn't wait to hear your endless dreams come to me

Sing a love song for me

Sing for me a serenade

Make happiness happen

Sing a love song for me

Sing for me a serenade

And leave loneliness alone

Every time I will say good luck to you

I hope you'll hold me tight

Every night all I do is think of you

You set my heart on fire

Didn't know how true love works on me until now

Didn't know how high we fly

Couldn't wait to see you smiling face anymore

Sing a love song for me

Sing for me a serenade

Make happiness happen

Sing a love song for me

Sing for me a serenade

And leave loneliness alone

There will always be a song that I can't forget, song that I can never get sick of, song that could have sing a hidden meaning to me, song that let me touch my emotions and be at peace.

What's yours?

Getting over = Forgotten?

How do you get over someone that mattered to you?Or as a matter of fact, still matters to you in a way or so?
I wish this entry be no alarm to anyone but I am going crazy without blogging this out..my only sanctuary of actual thoughts and feels.

I hardly get over people who matters to me. Even though they are not involved with your present now, I still never wanna quite forget them. This relates to my 2nd previous entry, I buried them behind my time with them, behind those memories.

I dunno how people do it. Maybe it goes from individual but I dunno how.
How do you get over someone that you cares so much for? Even when you step into a new phase of life, do you ever stop thinking of them? Maybe you STOP cos' you have to but you don't deny who they were to you, their places in your heart then can not be replaced, with or without someone new.
If you can get over them so easily and telling me they are not important anymore(Simply forgotten), you are telling me that they don't mattered after all.Not as much as you think they did.
They can be less important but they are never forgotten.

They..they..they. How many of 'they' am I speaking of? I guess I am referring to only one now.

I am talking now not as a status of a girlfriend of Jason. I'm talking for myself...myself.

Not being able to forget someone who probably shouldn't matter to you in the first place is bad enough. Getting reminded of is worse.
I thought I am almost there. Almost able to stand up proud and kiss goodbye. But I realised a part of your love can never be replaced nor erased.I would hate anyone who tell me to do so for anyone but my sake.My feelings are my own and they have no right or wrong. Only my mind dictates the judgement but not my heart.

I ask this to anyone out there. Even right now you are in a new phase of your life. Even right now you are with someone right. Even right now you are doing fine on your own. Have you forgot totally someone then?

For me...Totally selfish. I choose to protect the feelings I had. I choose to protect the memories I had. I choose to protect this small part on my own on top of everything else I owed.
I guess I never want to forget. I never want it to be replaced. I selfishly believed that it can't be replaced no matter how good the present or future may be. I thought those feelings were raw and precious. They hurt real badly and they bring the sweetest of tears.

I am too protecting what I really have now. I am trying not to let something that's I've gotten over to ruin anything now.

But sometimes...I feel, everything is already written in the stars.

I hope for forgiveness one day.

Comes from a heart

I didnt think I have a demanding job but because of my job nature,I didn't have the best job either.
I wasn't high paid but I am happy cos' I offset with the non-monetary rewards I received from this job.I decided that happiness and satisfaction of a job well done is better than getting higher pay(which can never be deemed enough) but you lead a miserable 8 hours and more.
That is my prerogative for now.

A Recruitment Consultant is actually more of a sales job than actual HR from a insider's point of view. We know of consultants that don't fit to the actual term of Consultant but are merely doing their job, closing their sales and that's it.

I would like to think I am a good Consultant. Closing a deal is my job and of cos' I am happy. But I do my service from my heart. I try from the bottom of my heart to provide a personalised service to most of my candidates.
My job is to source for right candidate, do the right matching, try to persuade them to get the job and close my deal. That is my job but I would do more of that for my candidates.
When they go for interviews, I give them confidence, tips and advices.

By far, I have received compliments from some. Some thanking me for getting them a good job, higher pay and or simply a source of income which means survival. Some thanking me for trying hard and giving them advices and tips along the way.
Simply to me, a Thank You would suffice. I never think I help them to get a job. I think they get the job themselves. But still a Thank You would suffice, making me feel appreciated.

I don't meet nice people all the way. I have my fair share of people who just deserved to die outta unemployment out there, people who deserved to die of hunger and proverty and those people, just are fuckers!
Those are the ones who never appreciate what you did for them, shift all the blame to you, talk as if you owe them a living.

Through my managers, I matured alot during this period and I feel I still have so much to go in terms of managing interpersonal relations.
It's not easy to retain your cool and not let whatever bad things that happen to affect you.
I have become more firm in my role and I learned that somethings, you just can't let your own feelings get in the way. Sometimes you may feel sorry but you would still have to maintain the rules of your job, maintain your stand.

Coming this far...I say every single of my deals come not easy. Maybe unlike big agencies out there, consultants do their job for the final aim of closing deal. I feel I've done more than that. That too is my job aim but not my objective when I do my work.

I feel tired somedays.I feel inspired somedays. I feel happy somedays and I feel depressed somedays.
All that, because I do it from my heart.

You realised that makes you live cos' you are doing things that matter to you.

Rainbow

Have you ever heard of this song? - Cai Hong (Rainbow) by Alex To?
It's a simple sweet acoustic one and whenever I listened to it, I pictured Jason singing it on the stage on our wedding day to me.
And of cos' that is one of the many. Jason just can't sing lately or have I lost the patience to listen?More of the latter, I feel. Bad girlfriend. =/

Everyone would have someone(s) well hidden back in their memories. Behind the gates of emotions and behind all time. It may not even be someone you think of romantically but you just hide them away cos' they are no longer with you or maybe you can't be with them.

I have a few of those someones and some, I would never wanna forget.
Some just bring regret and some, fear.
Some just bring longing and some, undesired consequences.

Today I met a new face but reminded me of one of those someones that I hid away from the present.
I didn't think of it initially but slowly as the memories unsealed, the pain comes crawling in.
I dun wanna give names and I dun wanna say too much. For all you know, you may be thinking of someone else whom I'm not referring to.And most of all, I dun want anyone to think or read too much.

I just wanna talk about that someone with no strings attached.

I know one of those reasons that I am hiding that someone is because I never have a chance to do more than I should. Stupidly and foolishly and maybe too it's a matter of fate & choice.
Maybe I owed that someone last life and I was given a chance back to grief myself now.
I am the type that think and feel alot without actions,much.
I am shy and I am not pro-active as some might deem the other way round.

Time passed and somethings just can't the same anymore. You would hate to have someone like them to be in contact of your present life and would dread as you wish at the same time.

I am sober in my head and I know who and what matters to me now.
But still memories are precious to me. I cant give them up and I cant hate for having them.
Though the emotions are raw and untasteful at times but I care too much to abandon any.

Rainbow...7 colours? Someday I belived, I would understand them all.

What do you love?

For me, having a good time to rest myself ALONE at home on a Sunday is definitely one of them. (I know I could have join Vonx for a better time but the chores stole time away from me and then the weather gloomed. Sorry babe, next time?)

That few hours alone doing housechores was tiring but I ain't complaining. Watched my Sunday Korean drama and fed myself with koko-crunch and that seaweed I bought at LiangCourt. (I don't even know why it is so famous and expensive? I don't really like it.)

The day before was good except I was tired a lil' earlier than usual. (No thanks to stupid idea of working on Saturday)

We went Taka first and I present to you my favourite part of Taka. - Basement 1.
Not gonna shrunk the pictures to mini for better view but do pardon me for the unequal sizes)







The last 4 are my fav. Bakerzin!Never have a taste of Bakerzine but damn I just love how look they looked.


Settled for a bus ride to Vivo when he found this Pink Big M balloon and want me to take it.

I let it fly later. I am terrified of balloons. BOM!

I took some pictures from the window pane in the bus.



Passed by Yang Tze cinema and saw those sleazy oil painted posters.Was telling Jason Vonx inherited all her drawing genes from her grand dad whom drew those oil painted posters in the past (N'thing to do with Yang Tze's!) and I saw that Giordana poster! Whoa!It's those oil painted one!
Isn't those cows on the field cute? If you enlarged the pic, it's a pair of wedding couple!

Ever wondered how dull life could be if it's black & white? Wondered how sky is already wonderfully painted blue and grass green? I just love to see the colours on the street!

Walked around Vivo (I hate the crowd!!) and took some pictures.

Jason was just being disgusting.Haha.

Pink Hog mascot! So funny!And a right coincidence before we watched Wild Hogs!You must go catch that. So damn funny!

Heehee.

I dunno if this counted as wearing the same expression but I just love the likeness in our faces.

Till next time..I'm HUNGRY!!

Hope the next week is GOOD!

Girlfriends...

As a girl, it is most fortunate to have one or two of close, trustworthy ones that you can count on.
I am lucky when I think of those lovely ladies in my life.

I am stuck in self-paranoia and I tell every girl don't like to think of that. (For now.)
Think it is so and hope so.
I rem' something that Jules once tell(in school)us.I always rem' that but I think it is more than what she said. (Maybe it's underlined.)

Why am I mincing words here?I forgot who read here anymore and I am never used to share every personal things with the world,particularly those have left my orbit.

But anyway...today I would just like to hug my dear Vonx & Irene tightly for all the support & love.I don't think I would ever wanna lose them,never in my lifetime.

Thank you,gals.

I have been working hard this week (Enjoying it) and I can feel my lungs reaching the urge to explode. That is not just a figure of speech. That is describing how my lungs really are feeling today. I talked so much without little breaks that my lungs feel very tired now. Breathing is tiring but I just keep breathing. (like duh!)
I don't have a pair of weak lungs, I suppose.But they feel injured.
First my stomach, now my lungs. So one step up would be my head?

Why do we always judge others? Why do we judge ourselves? And why do we allow others to judge us?
Whose opinions carry the right weight and whose matters?

I judge people I do not have a natural liking for. Ain't no saint and even though I know I am in no better position myself, I still do that.
Vonx judged herself as a lousy girlfriend in her blog and I told her comparing to some girlfriend I don't like, I feel we are much better anyway.
It was only after I sent that msg out, I realised whose talking?All the sudden, I just feel like one of those stupid bitches out there.
Sigh.

Judging others.
Have you ever thought of why do you judge others? More often than not, those subject to our judgement are those whom we just don't like.(Just admit that.)
And really have you admit that in a way of so, you just hate their guts?Maybe in a teeny weeny way or so, you could be jealous of them for something? To overcome or simply hide that matter, you judge traits of them that seem so undesirable to you.
THIS does not refer to that girlfriend I mentioned in the previous paragraph. I just feel she is undeserved. I am mainly referring to someone(s) else.

Judging ourselves.
I suppose this is not totally bad. Being able to self reflect is a good habit but never become your own enemy. I never think I am perfect but I know to recognize my own virtues. Maybe that is too good of a word to use. Maybe I should say I know where to stop blaming myself till my esteem diminishes to zero.
When the time hits like "I am no good, I am no good.", quickly deflect it with "I am not bad either, I am not bad either." or "He/she is no better"

Allowing others to judge ourselves.
Guess that can't be help but at least but kind. Even if you wanna judge others, do it in your heart.At most share it with the ones you trust and close to, never the world.

My lungs still feel 'painful' and I feel like lying down...
Over exersion, I guess.

Random pictures.
VS

Pu Er tea wins anytime.

VS
Um..I'm sick of both now.
Tie.

VS VS

Lovely pictures from Wo Bao. Fairytale wedding wins anytime.
US Walt Disney have gowns and wedding shoots there.
Princess dreams, princess castle, princess gowns and princess PRICE!

Something for Jade

I am never failed to be insipired by someone I knew from my days at Seraya. Jade is her name and Jade is just as beautiful as her name suggests.

I have nothing much to talk today till I read her often updated blog and felt so damn ashamed that I feel so tiny, virtually insignificant.

To be utterly honest, till today I am still a lil' reserved in carrying up a conversation with her. The best I did is through words. I am not good for verbalization of my own thoughts & emotions.I can't, just can't be upfront about my own feelings infront of others.(Not even to Jason nor my own parents.)
I wish I can talk as well as I on the phone during work. But hey, that's work and work is a shield. You don't need to bear your own feelings when you go to outside.
I feel comfortable using words then saying them and perhaps that's how I am made to be.

I knew little of her,I admit. Jade was not the one I often hung out with then. (Ming was.) As much as I dislike the smoke, I still love hanging out with her then.
Despite her energy, despite her smile & laughter, despite her charm & sweetness, Jade was/is still fighting to exhibit that daily. I knew little of her relationships then and she with someone undeserving then?
I knew not much...

3 years passed and I am still very flattered by the testiomials she left for me recently. I was someone insipiring??Get real. But I thought you wouldn't be able to see yourself well to others and maybe, even if it's a bit, I am very honoured for someone like her to tell me that.

Having to read her blog recently does keep me more updated. I read daily but I don't leave comments all the time. Sometimes I just don't know what to say, I felt my vocab is so limited and plain to comment. And I just have no idea...what to say.
It's like seeing a teacher upset, do you know what to tell your teacher to do? You instantly feel so small and all you can do is...just to listen?

So I was back to being 'ashamed' of myself.
She has so many troubles on her own since young till now and damn, she's not even in the pink of health. But she has so many beautiful dreams to share, those that you thought you would only read in those SUCCESSFUL or ORDINARY but EXTRA-ORDINARY people's acheivements in magazines or TVs.
I am not sure how many she had done but knowing Jade, those dreams won't just remain as words. Even if they(her dreams) can't be complete, they are just close to it or at the very least, they were attempted by her.

Look at me. I am blessed by many things in life and all I am close to my so called dreams is just to pen them down. PEN THEM DOWN!
That's the first step and seriously, if there's a second step I would have done it.
One restriction would have be my parents. I don't mean them as a constraint but trying to have more time for my own stuff would means less for them. Like I've said, I don't talk to them all the time. We don't have family conversations. But I thought my prescence would somehow ease the hollowness inbetween.

Excuses or Reasons. Words or Songs. I just can't explain enough.
I usually know how to write in my blog and today, all the words just seem a misfit and stupid.

Nonetheless..I somehow wish Jade to read this. Wish to let her know that I do always think of her even the times we are not together, even though we really each parted our ways 3 years back(physically.) But I wish to tell her that she is one of the strongest person I've ever known and she will always be one of the greatest insipirational source.

Ling is just someone how feels, thinks more than she shows. She is easily bored by the mundane stuff in life and when she is, she finds strength in people like Jade.
Although I am starting later than I should, but I am appreciating each day better than I had.

The world can't do enough of Jade.=)

Blues

I seem to be one darn unlucky victim of Monday Blues always. No matter how much rest I had during the weekend, the blues just sit heavily on my eyelids.Or is it just my excuses?

Mondy bluey,alright.(And I have another worrying thing behind my mind. =( )

Hate it when I always find myself awake one hour before I should and I toss in between dreams and not. That's busting energy and I am a light sleeper at this hour during weekdays. I can hear my mum in the kitchen, I can hear her locking the door and I hurry back to sleep the last few minutes...in failure.I won't sleep too well.

Damnit and just hope that my worry is unfounded for.

G'night.

For one more day

My younger brother has the worse temper ever! I dunno where does he inherits this from?(From my paternal grandpa, I heard?) I presume that he will die due to hypertension, stroke or so sooner than most. I am not cursing him but my parents have been saying the same.

My paternal grandpa died before I am born and they said he died because of one of those mentioned diseases. I would have slapped him to my own brother's death if not for the fact he is much stronger than I am now and I know a shouting competition won't remedize.(and it's not what my mother wants) I am not cursing but if my mum or dad suffer from anything because of him, I would kill him.
'Kill' being a figure of speech but I wont do anything not any closer than that.

For those that do not understand, I am very defensive towards my parents. I do not exactly share a close relationship with them and we come nowhere close to how you define 'Close family'.
But I see this as a karma cycle. In one life, you would somehow feel indebted to someone else. Like you feel a need to protect and defend your grandparents, your cousin, your aunt, your girlfriend or even a dog or turtle.You can't explain why's so and you feel stupid when you can't do anything to relieve their sufferings. But all you can do...all you can do is to be there when they need you. That's all.

Before my dad decided to fly back to Hainan Island, he was very cooped up at home. Lonely and all.(And my damn brother was still rude and that's unforgivable to me.)You can imagine the stress of being at home alone,right? After he became a hawker, he is one all his life. At an age now,with worst luck, he is unemployed. All he could do is to stay home and make this home a decent,clean one and make sure we have good food. You didn't know how helpless I was inside when he poured to me and I didn't do anything to relief it. You didn't know how guilty I was each time I told him not to cook my dinner and when I said goodbye before I left for work.

I am damn defensive toward him. And even though I tried to balance my love for both my parent but I read that you either be a mummy's girl or a daddy's girl, can't be both.
And sorry if any of my friends (Esp Von whose gonna read this anyhow) who were there with me on Friday the 13th, I am a lil' upset when they ignited the idea of why my dad wanted to go Hainan Island. I am not angry of cos' and understand they are talking 'generally males'.

He to my mum, could be 'generally male' but he to me, is my daddy. Someone irreplaceable. Period. If going to Hainan Island could give him 3 weeks of stress-free and some happiness, I would give anything.

Neither do I expect that seeing my dad leaving would make me upset.They (My parents) went aboard before but I guess I hid that loneliness inside. Twas the night before Saturday, the initial plan was to join Jason and his family in his relatives' birthday celebration. But my dad's flight was around the same time and I can't be at both places. That birthday celebration seemed so unimportant suddenly. I guess I was upset when Jason couldn't suggest a better plan of 'what if we attend to our own separate plan'.

I woke up late only to see my dad for the last 10 minutes before he said," Alright children, no fighting." & left.
I did what he does -the housechores.
I left the house for Clarke Quay. I took some photos there even I was there with yesterday with Vonx & Irene. For sometime, I feel good. I feel independent,free and good. I even managed to buy Mitch Albom 'For one more day' at $12plus @ Liang Court's Kino. (I wanna to cry when I pay..What good price!)
That was my first time to Liang Court's Kino and it is so different from the one at Taka. That one was too 'ang moh' based and this one, totally original.
But after that trip, I am beginning to feel tired. And my mood started to flip the other way round.

I almost refused to see Jason if not for his persistence.
I told him I was in a foul mood and if he sees me, it would ruined his day too. Because of me being foul would makes him feel worse, AND THAT makes me feel worst!But he persisted.
I told him I would just meet up for a dinner and home I go. But I must have realised too that after seeing him, I may not wanna go home...that soon.

I couldn't explain why. I didn't speak much when we were waiting for my ramen. Suddenly he just reached out to touch my face and gently squeezed it...As if he was squezzing my tear ducts, I started to tear uncontrollably.I can't explain why did I cry but I am never a cry baby infront of others.But I know one of the reasons must be I am sad that dad flew away afterall. I am happy for him but sad inside, for myself.

I didn't know how to end this entry.I very much wanted to blog about that Friday of 13th.2 took leave and 2 accompanied. Walking back to NYP is so reminiscing. I wish we can go back, for one more day.

For One More Day is just another good book by Mitch Albom. You know you read some stories and they are so fictionous but you find it hard to agree that his is one of those.
For One More Day tells a story about an ex baseball player whose life crumpled right after he lost his career in the field and further down the road when he lost his mother through a decision he made all his life - taking his mother's love for granted.
So he seeked death and entitled one more day with his dead mother. First he was afraid, then he was afraid that the day ends. The day ends anyhow but he got peace with himself even though he died young.
I am not a good story teller and you may not believe this story. But again what is there not to believe in this world? You believed in religion, you believed in commercials, you believed in lies...What is there not to believe?

Some pictures I took yesterday when I was alone.




I like the last 2 pictures the most.



I called it as "There's always something sweet at the end of the road."



Too long?

Retro Black Friday Eve

I am so happy that 12th April 07 came! Tomorrow I am visiting the zoo with some of my fav faces and I just can't wait!Pray no rain. ><

I think I am too wordy lately so I shall just go easy on this one.

Pink, pink and more pink!



Some very cute hairbands I bought. I just can't resist that blue flower one. It's so barbie!!(and so exp..$8.90.Somethings, you just buy without thinking and I should be punished!)


Thursday, I decided to go retro. Everyone has their angle when taking photo and I think this is mine.

Smmmilllleee~~

Define your culture & faith

My colleagues were talking about some stuffs about studies during lunch break today and I felt lost. Part of me feel the urge to catch up with them. I should be doing my degree studies and at least be one of those many in the market.For many practical reasons in the society, I guess I should.

But I just mentioned previously that I would not and should not do things for the sake of it unless it is something that I seriously like. Then I thought...What have I done for the things I "seriously like"?
I am just a stopper in life, whatever that means.

I created a page in my "secret" red book and I called it "Dream".
Easily I've written 4 and with my lazy nature,they can easily remain as dreams.
I thought sometimes I am not encourage by the factors in my life to bring a step closer to them. With time...I ignore them.

But I am sick of doing nothing and I am still not doing anything much. I started by trying to live each 60 seconds with actions and meaning as much as I can. I don't deny there are hours that I slipped back to laziness and wish time just pass faster and the day just come to an end so I can rest.
It takes time and alot of self reminders to get ride of this bad habit so I am "exercising" my brain to think and pay attention to the surroundings...thinking I can catch 'life' instead of sleep walking.

I realised the ONLY thing that is eventually stopping me is (as cliche as it can be) myself.
I lack of the confidence and courage to do things on my own and I end up not doing it.
So I should start doing something...And don't let them be just some stupid resolutions.

I think everyone is special and I think I am special sometimes.
If you realised noone actually pulls me up but myself. I have some very inspirational friends and surprisingly they find me to be one too.

I lament alot and when the clock strikes 12, I reverse my thinkings and rebound.
I don't do great things but I do things that content my soul.

I am not those that 'spit' poetry outta my mouth but I shall leave this with this quote from my email.

I prayed for riches and achieved success,

All that I touched turned into gold.

Alas!My cares were greater, and my peace was less

When that wish came to pass.

I prayed for glory; and heard my name

Sung by sweet children and by hoary men.

But ah! the hurts, the hurts that came with fame!

I was not happy then.

I prayed for love, and had my soul's desire,

Through quivering heart and body and through brain

There swept the flame of its devouring fire;

And there the scars remain.

I prayed for a contented mind. At length

Great light upon my darkened spirit burst,

Great peace fell on me, also, and great strength.

Oh! had that prayer been first!

- Ella Wheeler Wilcox, ""Answered Prayers""

Children, God's angels.

I wouldn't want one right now but I don't mean I don't want any in the future. Sure I've heard so many horrid things from the first month to the delivery bed and that still gives me creeps, especially on the operations part.*pukes!*
And I've heard so many sacrifices that the couple (And more on the ma ma) must made for the new adjustment for the new member. Oh, don't get me started on the money part. The maintenance costs are astronomical! And the worst thing that might happen is that kid may turn up to be an ungrateful brat.

I remember when I was young and ignorant, I thought I would wanna marry young (like 24,25) and have kids all before 28. Heck that! I'm alreayd 23 this year and do you seriously think I can still acheive that? If I am marry by 28, I should thank God for the bless on the financial part. My thinkings are if you can't afford to live the things needed(like a house at least) in a family, don't start a new one.What is the point of getting married then? I don't even wanna do my ROM if a car is not purchase. I don't fancy that status...yet.

But then again children are the cutest blessings you can ever have. You seriously are missing something which you can't explain until you have them.
Sure that when they grow up,it's another story but again you can't explain the rationality behind that.Even if it for that short few years, even if you know you are gonna leave them one day, you would still do it..I guess?

This thought was evoked when I saw Shuyi's newborn. (Btw, she is only 21. I know she would marry young but mother at 21?I can't get over it.)

Hmmm...But I don't have any yet. I am still a child inside..and I can't get enough of being one.

The thing is when Jason and I slipped into knots of unhappiness, it won't last too long for a record. (Btw, don't you just love the colours and how the fruits are displayed in the above picture?)
We don't shout at each other faces, simply because I am not those who would verbalize my anger infront of him. I do it the meanier way by keeping silence and deep inside, I can't help it. It was on Good Friday when I posted all about the bad things and we went out feeling so sweet the next day. =/? I won't explain why.

We went to Changi Beach for dinner.(Always has Nasi Lemak from the not-so-famous stall. The famous one closes fast)


All that from a tiny 2 mega pix camera phone. I am beginning to love taking photos with my phone. You have to carry it anywhere you go and really, the picure quality is not that bad. Features less flaws than actual. Haha.

I don't really like pictures of me taken by another one but me. I just look less pretty and more spastic in a way.

Non-friendster friendly picture thought nice background, taken by Jason.

Friendster friendly picture taken by me.

He is so funny sometimes...

Have you seen such colourful walls? I wish my voideck looks like this too. (I'm not telling you where...;p)

Just side tracking a lil first...Pink craze still pursues!

Noone does it better than you.

I am sorry for all the temper & I know you are sorry too, you stinky Nasi Lemak shirt.

I hope Sunday has been good for you. And I hope the new week is gonna be good. I am taking leave on the 13th (Friday) to go to a Zoo excursion with my Friday pals. (CANT WAIT! Another 4 days work week, just imagine that!!)

Before I stop typing, I leave you with one last pic of me,of coz.

Don't see anything funny in this picture? Well, I tell you I was horrified by I uploaded this picture.

Here's why..

-_- I didn't even slap on any eye shadows! I dont even know how to but the (blackish brown) colourings were on my lids.

It brings me back to ...

"Grandma, what dark eye circles you have...!!"

Creeps!